A Weighty Discussion

For the first three months of his life, my son didn't gain much weight on the original 21-inch, 6-pound 6-ounce body with which he was pulled from my gaping tummy and into this world. A lot of breast-fed babies are pudgy babies, but mine wasn't one of them. I took a breast-feeding class and individual counseling. I encouraged him to eat more by waking him in the middle of the night to feed, even though he was sleeping through the night from day one of his sweet existence outside my body.

Over the course of a year, he began gaining weight at an "acceptable" rate. By age 2, he was starting to show signs of problematic weight gain. His then-pediatrician immediately told me to put him on a very strict diet. Assuming that this mandate would be a discussion about his current meal plan, I outlined for the doctor verbally exactly what the boy had been eating and in what proportions.

He had his back to me the whole time, rustling papers and making notes in the boy's chart. Turning to me once I had finished, he handed me a paper listing everything I had just gone over and told me, "This is what he needs to be eating. No cookies, no cake, no ice cream, no candy."

I stared coldly back at him and stated, "This is exactly what I just told you he was eating."

"And no sweets at all."

"So, if he goes to another kid's birthday party, I have to tell him he can't have a piece of birthday cake? And I can't take him trick-or-treating, because he'll be getting candy? Even if that's the only time he ever gets any of that?"

"Right."

Right. This was the same doctor who had told me during an earlier visit that in order to "train" my son, if he was throwing a temper tantrum, I was supposed to put him in his crib, close the bedroom door and walk away until he stopped screaming.

This visit was the last time I took my son to see this physician.

At age 3, I took him to his new pediatrician, and I immediately launched into all of the potential problems, both with my son's weight and the previous pediatrician. (I had a list of offenses, other than those mentioned here.) This one actually listened.

He took the time to go over every aspect of my son's health and wellness before addressing the weight. We DISCUSSED meal plans and activity, what we could try and what I'd already tried and knew didn't work for him.

At age 9, his body started gearing up for puberty, along with the growth spurts, leg pains, body hair, sweat gland development (and the accompanying odor), voice cracking, mood swings, anger outbursts--the whole shoot-and-match.

My son had the body of a 12-year-old and the mind of an a 9-year-old.

Again, discussing everything with his doctor, we introduced him to a personal trainer, worked with a dietician, and he attended counseling.

We adjusted his diet every couple of months when what we were doing wasn't showing any or elicited little results. This included a diabetic diet, a paleo diet, high protein diet, no carbs, no sugar, no hormones, no fat and/or low fat, and organic locally grown and home-grown produce (pick a combination). We ate out no more than twice per month. Dietary restrictions were submitted to his school to ensure consistency.

He visited the gym 3-4 times per week. Workouts included 1.5 hours of cardio, 30 minutes light (range of motion) weights, and at least 1 hour of swimming on every visit. This was in addition to participating in football, running at home, trampolining, walking, dumbbells, general outdoor play, and labor, like mowing the yard and working in the garden. He even learned how to swing an axe.

I became a dietary and activity Nazi, making sure my son was getting what he needed while sticking inside the boundaries of the plan. We did this for months, and I participated (mostly) in his diet so he wouldn't have to do it all on his own.

While I lost a noticeable bit of weight just participating in the dietary plan, he lost very little weight with the diet and copious amounts of activity. By "weight" here, I don't mean gaining muscle mass and losing fat; this is in reference to his simply slimming down.

Still, I get questions and suggestions from what I am sure are well-meaning folks:

• "Have you cut out sugar? Fat?"

• "Is he staying active?"

• "Have you seen a dietician?"

• "Is he still gaining weight?"

• "Does he drink plenty of water?"

• "What are you doing about his weight?"

• "Does he know how big he is?"

• "Should he be eating that?"

Or comments:

• "He's getting bigger."

• "He seems to have a weight problem."

• "You should do something about his weight."

• "He needs to spend more time outside."

(For the record, I've heard comments and conversations directed at parents whose children are incredibly thin, along the lines of "Is he eating enough?")

The other day, I explained to someone that a couple months before his birthday (August), he begins eating more, complains about being hungry all the time. I hand him veggies, proteins, and other healthy snacks. By the time his birthday rolls around, this behavior has slowed tremendously. Within a month afterward, he shoots up close to 2 inches in height. In the process of growing this fast, he slims down some. He has had a couple of smaller growth spurts between the winter and summer months.

After all these years of watching him struggle with the weight, here's one thing I've noticed: Aside from the late summer, pre-growth spurt weight gain, his weight-to-height proportion continues to be fairly steady.

While these folks with the (hopefully) well-intentioned comments and questions are either just seeing him and his supposedly glaring "imperfection," or they are worried that I'm not parenting him sufficiently.

In doing so, however, the unintentional results are defensiveness, guilt that I'm not doing enough, depression and worry over my son's health. And if he overhears these things, he gets sad and worries that he isn't what other people think he should be.

He tells me when someone mentions his weight to him, calls him fat. Whenever he sees certain videos or TV shows, he looks at me and says, "Mom, I want to be skinny," or, "Mom, I want to look like that," pointing out an emaciated actor who looks like he's been having bouts with bulimia and is a long-time heroine addict.

I try to explain to him that being skinny and being thin are two different things, that everyone is built differently. I tell him that there is a place for each person, just the way they are, and that as long as he knows we're doing everything we know to do to reach his goals, it will happen. And that he's perfectly built for being a lineman in football, that he loves playing so much. I tell him that as he gets older, no one will want to mess with him because he could be so much bigger than them, that he will be able to protect other people, because he could be a physically intimidating man.

He complains that he's not old enough to go to most gyms. Most of them have an age requirement of 13 because of insurance. To this, I say that he will be old enough soon, and we'll make it happen.

As a sidenote: I know about the gym policies because I called all of them. Or I can pay for a family membership for him to have access only to the swimming pool. Criticism from others includes, "Well, you can use the membership, too." Two things: This isn't about me, and my pocketbook says otherwise. I did that once before, and our entertainment budget went down to nothing. We've never had cable, so I cancelled my Hulu and Netflix subscriptions. We stopped renting and going to the movies. There was very little eating out. That was the extent of our pay-for-entertainment budget. I'll also point out here, that while that might not seem like much, eating healthy food does cost more. Not only did I eliminate our entertainment budget, our grocery bill increased. I ended up spending more money between the gym and food that stuck with his meal plan than I was spending on monthly rent.

To the concerned people of my son's world: I'm neither blind to nor ignoring my son's weight. He's just as aware of it as you or I. Whatever you want to suggest--yes, we've tried it. And please keep in mind that while he looks like a 13-year old, he is (as of the writing of this article) only 10.

In less than two weeks, the boy will be 11 years old. He and his party guests will play laser tag for up to two hours, and--they'll be having cookie cake and ice cream. Because it's his birthday. Then he'll be off to football training and practice.

All I want for my son is to be happy and healthy. For now, he is both, because being overweight doesn't mean he's not healthy. He is already stronger than I am (though, I still have my bluff in on that one), about to be taller than me, and has much more stamina (bouts of laziness aside).

Cheer him for his efforts in football. Encourage his accomplishments for being a good person. Compliment how well his clothes fit him (when they do) and how handsome he is. Boost his self-esteem by pointing out how intimidating and heroic he could be protecting someone else.

Talk to him about his love of music, ask him what drills he's doing in football training. Geek-out with him, with questions about Marvel and DC. Ask what craft projects he's working on.

My parenting is more than just concern over my son's weight. He is more than his weight. His life involves other things that have to do with his mind and who he is as a person. His weight is what people see and automatically judge, because society has taught us that the "thigh gap" is beautiful, that the recent fad of a beauty goal is attainable by everyone, when it's not. And if it's not, that person is deficient.

My son is beautiful.

I won't say that it's inside and/or out, because that's an irrelevant point.

I won't go on about motherly bias, because it's not about me.

I see the same thing everyone else does.

And more.

#weight #life #bodyimage #parenting #obesity #children #family